The night before last, I started crying out of nowhere because my boobs were so itchy that I was scratching until the skin was pretty much raw. Then they burned. And aesthetically, they're a disaster. They were once happy, and perky, albeit too large. Now they just look fucking depressed. I'm already contemplating surgical intervention about a year or so from now. Good thing I work with some of the best plastic surgeons in the world.
In any case, my little outburst wasn't fun. The physical discomfort combined with a serious deluge of hormones and an ongoing lack of sleep only highlighted the seemingly endless list of other pregnancy problems I've been grappling with as I delve deeper into the third trimester of what is supposed to be this unparalleled blissful, wonderful, miracle-of-life experience that so many women profess to love.
I call bullshit.
I do not love being pregnant and have a very tough time believing that other women do. I am literally counting the days until I'm done - and I can honestly say with relative certainty that I will not be signing up for this again. If John and I decide we want another child, we will almost undoubtedly adopt. We've always been proponents of adoption anyway - and had even met with an adoption attorney when we were getting the impression that the chances of getting me knocked up were looking less-than-promising.
Am I thrilled to be pregnant, because it means we'll have a baby at the end of it all? OF COURSE - but I am not about to pretend that this is some kind of inexplicably glorious experience replete with feelings of earth-mother beauty and boundless joy. Nope. You know why? Because at this point, I'm pretty much uncomfortable, impatient and anxious 24/7.
While I understand that every pregnancy is different, let's look at some of the more common pregnancy symptoms:
Morning sickness/nausea
Severe heartburn that increases in intensity each month
Back pain
Headaches
Dizziness/Fainting
Leg cramps/Charley Horses
Mood swings (fairly dramatic ones)
Acne
Hemorrhoids
Melasma
Exhaustion
Insomnia
Anxiety
Diabetes (Gestational - 10% of pregnant women)
Food aversions
Sensitivity to smell
Swollen extremities and in some cases, noses
Prominent veins
Incessant urination
Stretch marks
Of the above 20, I've already experienced 17 - and I'm not even out of the woods yet. And don't even get me started on other aspects of pregnancy - like the inability to get comfortable on the subway, on my couch, or really almost anywhere regardless of how many positions I try to contort my ever-enlarging body into, my inability to maintain the fast-pace I'm accustomed to and my inability to walk long distances anymore without feeling like I might go into labor. Given the rather abhorrent humidity in NYC along with temps too high for my liking, I feel borderline house-bound, which makes me crazy.
Pregnancy is a veritable shitstorm of epic proportions. I can only identify two benefits:
1. Thicker, healthier hair
2. You get a baby
I guess the latter is what makes all of the torture more or less worth it - but again, let's get real. This does NOT make pregnancy loveable - it makes it tolerable. There's a distinct difference.
Yep. Hair and nails. I sort-of count that as one though, so in my book, it's still 2. Just sayin' - but you're right.
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