It was decided long before Gypsy was born that I wouldn't be taking a long maternity leave, (unaffordable, not super-feasible with my gig and didn't really seem like something I'd want to do anyway). And so, I took three weeks off following Gypsy's birth. Not surprisingly, they FLEW by. Once they were over, I was actually feeling fairly ready to dive back into work life - but was thrilled to be permitted to work from home for a bit because C-sections are a bitch to recover from - and I wasn't really mentally ready to let Gypsy out of my sight. She still didn't even seem real.
I was very happy to be doing something other than sitting in my apartment on the couch watching television and it helps that I really like my job. Also... newborns sleep a lot - and while I love staring at Gypsy sleeping, there's only so much of this you can do in a day. Oh - and there's the fact that my apartment has become a claustrophobic clusterfuck of baby things. Anyway - work helped me get back into a groove - a routine, a semi-semblance of normalcy. It was good all-around... until it wasn't.
After about a month or so of spending my days on the couch with a laptop a puppy and a baby, I realized I was starting to go a bit stir-crazy in my pad and that I had more than taken advantage of my bosses' accommodations with respect to working from home for a bit. I also noticed that I couldn't stand the lack of social engagement on a day-to-day basis. It was abundantly clear to me at that point:
I am not a stay-at-home mom.
And so, I made a plan to get back into the office and I put it in writing. I didn't really articulate this as intelligently as I should've to my bosses in hindsight - but now I know why:
I was totally scared of going back to the office and leaving Gypsy behind. The thought of being away from her on a regular basis terrified me, despite knowing she'd be in phenomenal hands - her daddy's.
It wasn't a lack of trust - in fact it had nothing to do with John. I've already seen that he's my equal when it comes to parenting. It was straight-up separation anxiety. I had grown so used to being with Gypsy almost 24/7 that a change was really fucking scary, especially because I am so ridiculously in love with her that I can hardly handle it.
But I did it. I went back to the office - and you know what? It felt really, really good. I even loved my commute again! Being on the subway, (and not driving) listening to music and people watching is kind-of awesome. So is setting foot into Manhattan - the busiest, loudest most interesting city in New York. It just felt right. Don't get me wrong - I missed Gypsy like crazy and obsessively texted, emailed and called my husband to make sure she was okay for the first few days, but I was able to enjoy being back in my office.
Apparently, I just had to get my feet wet with the whole 'leaving baby behind thing.'
What I realize now is that I am not and will never be a good stay-at-home mom. There are those that are built for it - but I'm just not. I need work. I need to leave the house. I need social interaction with other adults and I need a change of scenery. I am restless, I am curious and I am driven - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
In fact, I think I might be setting a good example for my daughter, even though she's not aware of it yet.
Plus... it helps to have a husband who LOVES the idea of being a stay-at-home dad.
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